And after

This is what my husband, L, was reacting to in the pics I posted a few days ago. It's one of my favorite parts of the process... It's sort of like acoustic music. The stripped down version of a song, a house, a person is usually my favorite kind.

Before the demo

I'm jumping around a bit here because I didn't post this in real time. This was before the demo. I invited my nieces and nephews over for a painting party. They were devastated once it was done and they had to face the reality that it would be torn up. "Please, please ask the man to keep it," pleaded Matthew (4 yr old nephew)- as though our GC was an evil man intent on ripping up the floor just because. I explained that we could "keep" it by taking pictures... these are a few of MANY.

Bathrooms: Decisions, decisions...

The tile shown here on the right as well as in the pic below, Pietre Bianca by American Olean, will be laid on the lower level bath floor in 12x12 tiles with a vertical version of the tile in the shower and small mosaics on the shower floor. SW Truly Taupe on the walls and a custom made vanity with custom concrete sink/top. More on those later... I'm going for an edgier vibe downstairs, and the bath is no exception.

On the main level I'm trying to achieve a more sophisticated look. (The bamboo sample shown in the photo below is the flooring for the entire main floor with the exception of the one bath up there, which will be in a darker bamboo.) The main floor shower will be tiled in the Daltile Fabrique, shown on the left, with an accent of pebbles 2/3 of the way up the shower wall. The same soft gray (SW Grayish) of the living room walls will be carried into the bath-- it went so well with the tile, I had to use it in the bath as well as the living space. This is the bath that will have a dark brown bamboo floor, also shown in the picture. I'm taking my chances with bamboo and water...No kids; so I think it can work :)

Pretending

This is me pretending to be a designer after one of those gazillion trips to the tile store mentioned below. I needed to have everything figured out in advance before I said yes to one thing, so that when it was time to choose tile for the showers- for ex, I also needed paint color, flooring material, & sinks and faucets at least somewhat pulled together within my imagination. For a while, the surfaces of the tables in my apartment were covered with paint chips, tile, wallpaper samples, and bamboo. I loved this game of pretend...

Plan C

This is the tile we chose for the lower level floors. It was not plan A. Plan A was concrete, but without a basement and therefore with a fear of moisture and some resulting added expense, the details of which I don't recall, we decided to go with tile instead. It took me about a week to make the adjustment. I had had my heart set on concrete.

Plan B: After a zillion trips to the tile store, I found a beautiful, large, square greyish-brown metallic tile. I chose the same version in an off-white for the bathroom downstairs (with different sizes for floor and shower). In much the same way that a broken heart is healed only with the help of a new love, this new tile loosened concrete's seductive hold over me. I slowly but surely got to the place where I loved this tile more than concrete.

But on the day I placed the order, the store received a fax saying the tile was discontinued. I needed another week-long break before I was able to search for Plan C. And truth be told, I wasn't sure a week would be enough! I thought my heart might be unmendable this time; I was devastated.

Plan C: My intentionally uninvolved husband had to help with this choice, as did the wonderful, patient woman helping me at Flooring America. Together- and with another two zillion trips to the tile store (and this really isn't much of an exaggeration), they helped to convince me that I could, in fact, fall in love again. So this is what we went with: Porcelona's Ferroker in 17x26". I think I like it, but the jury is still out.... I do know, however, that it will be an improvement over the blue, elementary-school-like carpet that is currently on the floor.

Nervous Surprise

Another pic of my husband- snapped when he first walked into the house after demolition of some interior walls.

Tolerating Anxiety

This is a picture of my husband. He wanted a turn-key house. As I mentioned in the previous blog, renovation was not his idea, but he was generous and trusting enough to let me have my way. He knew it was important to me in some way that even I don't understand.

Our agreement has been this: He stays out of the way and I stay within budget. He's a lawyer, so we did it his way: I put it in writing and we both signed the contract. L has kept his end of the bargain so far.

It's not exactly that I wanted L out of the way; it's just that he and I are so different regarding so many things relevant to remodeling. His anxiety has the effect of my shutting down, and I knew we needed to avoid this. The back story is something like this: L's needs for material and financial security are much higher than mine are. I love having and spending money, but could easily do without it. Money just isn't a very significant issue for me. L, on the other hand, has hang-ups... fears of not having enough. This means that big purchases and putting money toward some unknown effect, whose costs could easily escalate, is anxiety-provoking for him; very anxiety-provoking.

A second, significant theme is the way we each relate to people, especially contractor-types. I tend to be overly trusting of and conflict-avoidant with others. L seems to assume he will be taken advantage of, and so he questions everything. He is better at getting good deals and discounts and is less likely to be duped. I'm more likely to be taken advantage of in a Craigslist scam, which actually almost happened last week. And although my tendency to believe the best about everyone does not always translate to a positive thing, it does leave me more able to just trust and let go-- and with a project of this nature, and assuming my trust is rooted in some semblance of decent judgment-- it helps.

I also have a tendency to doubt myself. When left within my own world, I do better with confidence, but exposed to someone else's feelings, emotion, or energy, I'm in danger of collapsing. So, when L gets anxious and assumes others are taking advantage of him or me, I start to doubt my judgment... and doubt and doubt. And when his anxiety leaves him questioning my decisions, I doubt and doubt.

"Are you sure you want to put the door there?" L asked the other day- and asked and asked- all in a rare moment of this level of involvement. I had to fight with myself not to go into the doubt. "Yes; it will look right once everything else is in and done," I replied, trying to stay confident, though exhausted by the effort.

After 15 years of marriage, we're aware of these dynamics and so agreed ahead of time that I would be responsible for the project- design and budget-wise. This protects L from his potential anxiety (and I kind-of like being able to offer this protection for him) and it protects me from the self-doubt triggered by his anxiety. Admittedly, our contract is not the ideal way of going about things, and it has been at times lonely for me, but it's the only way we know to make this project work for us.

L has been a trooper thus far. Even without being intimately involved, the knowledge of money being fed into an unknowable and unseeable outcome is still there in the background. And so his anxiety is also present to some degree. This picture shows how well he's embraced this; he has his sense of humor intact. And I'm grateful for his trust in me... and for keeping his end of the bargain.

Two months later....

I'm not sure why I stopped writing. I have, in fact, been busy with the reno process, but not too busy to update my blog. As a good psychologist, I know I've likely been avoiding something. As I anticipated beginning this process- and this blog- I'm renovating more than just a house, and my own insides are indeed being rearranged. In any case, a lot has happened and I'm now back with the intention of trying to detail the process here.

This picture was taken the weekend after our closing on the house. I brought flowers for the empty and soon to be torn apart home, and I started to imagine.

In the picture above, my husband sits on the built-in bench admiring his new home. Sort of. The purchase was not at all what he would have chosen separate from me. I am the one who wanted a project. He strongly preferred a turn-key home. Buying this house, he was stretching himself for me. Interestingly enough, he was out of town for the purchase negotiations. This is usually his thing- he's a much better negotiator than I am. So when he was in California the week we decided to place an offer on this eastcoast home, the negotiations fell to me.

It was a Thursday afternoon. I spoke with the realtor; she called the owner; I went out with my sisters. We were at a silent auction. After a glass of wine or two, one of my sisters was throwing caution to the wind, writing down ever-increasing bids on what I'm remembering to be a sports-themed sweatshirt because she had to win at all costs! Not necesssarily a good omen or influence for my home purchase negotiations, I thought, and heard my phone ring. My realtor's number was visible. To make a long story short, with a glass of wine in my hand and a lack of the sort of anxiety or gravity that my husband would have brought to the situation, I sealed the deal two phone calls later. And my sis won her sweatshirt! We both probably paid a little too much.