This is a picture of my husband. He wanted a turn-key house. As I mentioned in the previous blog, renovation was not his idea, but he was generous and trusting enough to let me have my way. He knew it was important to me in some way that even I don't understand.
Our agreement has been this: He stays out of the way and I stay within budget. He's a lawyer, so we did it his way: I put it in writing and we both signed the contract. L has kept his end of the bargain so far.
It's not exactly that I wanted L out of the way; it's just that he and I are so different regarding so many things relevant to remodeling. His anxiety has the effect of my shutting down, and I knew we needed to avoid this. The back story is something like this: L's needs for material and financial security are much higher than mine are. I love having and spending money, but could easily do without it. Money just isn't a very significant issue for me. L, on the other hand, has hang-ups... fears of not having enough. This means that big purchases and putting money toward some unknown effect, whose costs could easily escalate, is anxiety-provoking for him; very anxiety-provoking.
A second, significant theme is the way we each relate to people, especially contractor-types. I tend to be overly trusting of and conflict-avoidant with others. L seems to assume he will be taken advantage of, and so he questions everything. He is better at getting good deals and discounts and is less likely to be duped. I'm more likely to be taken advantage of in a Craigslist scam, which actually almost happened last week. And although my tendency to believe the best about everyone does not always translate to a positive thing, it does leave me more able to just trust and let go-- and with a project of this nature, and assuming my trust is rooted in some semblance of decent judgment-- it helps.
I also have a tendency to doubt myself. When left within my own world, I do better with confidence, but exposed to someone else's feelings, emotion, or energy, I'm in danger of collapsing. So, when L gets anxious and assumes others are taking advantage of him or me, I start to doubt my judgment... and doubt and doubt. And when his anxiety leaves him questioning my decisions, I doubt and doubt.
"Are you sure you want to put the door there?" L asked the other day- and asked and asked- all in a rare moment of this level of involvement. I had to fight with myself not to go into the doubt. "Yes; it will look right once everything else is in and done," I replied, trying to stay confident, though exhausted by the effort.
After 15 years of marriage, we're aware of these dynamics and so agreed ahead of time that I would be responsible for the project- design and budget-wise. This protects L from his potential anxiety (and I kind-of like being able to offer this protection for him) and it protects me from the self-doubt triggered by his anxiety. Admittedly, our contract is not the ideal way of going about things, and it has been at times lonely for me, but it's the only way we know to make this project work for us.
L has been a trooper thus far. Even without being intimately involved, the knowledge of money being fed into an unknowable and unseeable outcome is still there in the background. And so his anxiety is also present to some degree. This picture shows how well he's embraced this; he has his sense of humor intact. And I'm grateful for his trust in me... and for keeping his end of the bargain.
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