I showed up for my appointment; R introduced herself; we sat down; and she then asked two questions.
The first, "You're single?"
"Yes... I mean no." It was a Fruedian slip we would go back to later in the session.
The second: "Are you here to connect with someone who has passed over?"
"No," I replied. "I'm not sure if I can put into words what I'm looking for. Just general guidance about my life path, I think. Not in the sense of career- more like what I'm supposed to be doing here at all." I said all of this with tears streaming down my face and added something about how I can no longer connect with my own intuition. I needed someone to do it for me. That was the jist of what I was doing in a psychic's office on a day when my husband would have preferred me by his side as he observed his religious holiday: I needed her to read my intuition for me.
R then began the reading. Starring somewhat into space, she spoke:
"I'm getting something about house.. and home. Home is significant, we need to go there... It's like you're nesting, building a nest, and it's keeping you stuck. Like you're not able to branch out because of this nest." R, the psychic, then went on to ask and answer a series of her own questions about the stickiness of this nest.
"Does your husband limit you? Is that it? No."
"Is it kids? No."
"What is it about this house, this nest?" and with that she looked at me.
Nesting sounded good to me, but R's impression was that this was a bad thing. Associating to this, I easily recalled all of the turmoil that searching for a home brought me this past year.
"Well, I'm renovating a home that my husband and I bought six months ago. It will be finished soon. The whole process of buying a house was difficult for me. I don't like my life, and it has felt like buying any home was a way of solidifying the life I don't like." More tears.
R smiled knowingly. This is what she was hearing and feeling during the reading. Something about home stifling me.
The short version of the rest of the story is that R predicted that my husband and I would no longer be in this house-that-I-was-making-into-a-home within 1-4 years! She was pretty confident in her prediction that we would sell it in the near future. She said she saw, in the futures of L and me, a move out of our current geographical area, not necessarily to somewhere far off, but to somewhere different. (She also saw us as soul mates; she emphasised my being his soul mate and the reason he's in this world, but seemed to indicate that he was a soul mate for me as well. She seemed to really like the idea of him for me, if I can put it that way.)
The rest of the story involves my staunch resistence to my own desire, resistence to my life as is, and my inability to name even one thing I wanted for myself.
The pain of wanting anything at all runs deep for me.
It involves a very deep and powerful fear of humiliation & rejection. Interestingly, I felt that painful, dagger-through-the-heart humiliation today in another incident connected with the house. The aim of the dagger couldn't have been more perfect. Clearly, the world is trying to teach me something.
The point of including all of this, here, on this blog, is that by the time we were done with my consultation I was dreaming of Paris. "If I were healthy," I said to R when she was pressing me to name just one thing I wanted, "I would go to design school." That's the one thing I could name as a desire, but only in the hypothetical world in which I was healthy; not in this real world in which I struggle with chronic illness.
"There is nothing in your energetic field to stop you from doing interior design."
"I can't carry rugs, or tile, or carry-out any of the other physical tasks... bla bla bla..." I was protesting.
R started getting firm with me- not accepting my rejecting and resisting attitude & holding me accountable for my life. It must have worked, because on my way home, I started dreaming of Paris... and of attending art school there.
So much for the house. .... at least I have dreams of Paris!!
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